Rewriting Your Story: Healing from Adult Emotional & Mental Trauma
““Telling a woman you love her while continuing to mistreat her is mental and emotional abuse.””
This isn’t just a theory for me; I really lived through it. For years, I heard the phrase “I love you,” yet my experience told a different story. It took a moment for me to understand that when those words are not backed by genuine respect and action, they hold absolutely no meaning.
Unfortunately, the impact of emotional and mental trauma doesn’t just disappear after childhood. Many adults find themselves stuck in ongoing abusive and traumatic situations within their relationships. Some of which include marriages, partnerships, friendships, or even at work, where bullying can take place. While these types of abuse might not be physical, they can still be incredibly damaging—sometimes even more so—leading to deep trauma that requires intentional healing and recovery.
Understanding the Three Dimensions of Abuse
A note on terminology: In this article, I will discuss emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. Experts often use these terms interchangeably; however, each one focuses on a different part of the same harmful behaviors. Understanding these distinctions can help us recognize abuse in its various forms:
Emotional Abuse targets your feelings, emotional well-being, and sense of self-worth. These are non-physical actions designed to control, manipulate, and diminish you emotionally. Common tactics include intimidation, isolation, verbal assaults, humiliation, possessiveness, giving the silent treatment, and control of finances. Through these tactics, victims are made to feel worthless, guilty, insecure, and dependent on the person causing them harm. Ultimately, the goal is to damage their emotional stability and instill doubt about their own value as individuals.
Mental Abuse, on the other hand, directly impacts your cognitive functioning, mental health, and perception of reality. Tactics such as manipulation, false accusations, gaslighting, and coercion—putting pressure on someone to do things against their will. This form of abuse leaves people questioning their thoughts, judgment, and even their sanity. It also includes tactics like sleep deprivation and mind games, which further cloud your ability to think clearly and make informed decisions.
Psychological Abuse takes a broader approach, manipulating your entire psychological state, including your thoughts, beliefs, and sense of identity. Research shows that psychological abuse—particularly gaslighting is an insidious form of violence, making victims doubt their own perceptions and experiences. Essentially, psychological abuse encompasses both emotional and mental tactics, which work together to dismantle your psychological well-being and sense of self systematically.
The key takeaway here is that in abusive relationships, these three dimensions often overlap and reinforce each other, creating a comprehensive system of control. An abuser might use emotional tactics (mockery or the silent treatment) combined with mental tactics such as gaslighting or sleep deprivation to assert psychological dominance, ultimately leaving you questioning your reality and becoming overly reliant on them.
Personal reflection: Once upon a time, I shared my dreams of becoming a writer with someone who professed to love me unconditionally. Instead of encouragement, I was met with reasons why I couldn’t do it, how I wasn’t connected enough, and why it wouldn’t work. “You can’t become a writer, you don’t even know a publisher”—this wasn’t constructive criticism; it was a tactic to minimize my competence and make me feel incapable. I valued his opinion so much that I allowed those words to play as my soundtrack. Over time, I stopped sharing my dreams altogether—not because they weren’t valid, but because I’d been conditioned to doubt my abilities and my own self-worth.
In these situations, the person exhibiting abusive behavior demonstrates a lack of empathy and aims to assert control through their destructive actions.
The Dangerous Cycle: Love Bombing and Trauma Bonding
At first, everything seemed perfect—we had a lot in common, our educational backgrounds, shared goals, and a vision for our future together. Immediately, it felt like we were on track to create something truly meaningful. The attention to detail, the partnership, the promise of “us against the world”—it felt real.
Love bombing is characterized by an overwhelming display of affection, compliments, gifts, and attention from a partner early in a relationship. This tactic is often intended to sway feelings, gain control, or rush emotional bonding. Usually, it’s a calculated manipulation tactic that can lead to trauma bonding.
In trauma bonding, there are abusive cycles mixed with random acts of affection. The abuser hurts you, then acts lovingly. This cycle is meant to confuse you and bond you closer to the abuser through what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement—the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive. Although trauma bonds can feel like love, they’re actually rooted in manipulation and power imbalances.
This push-pull dynamic can make it extremely challenging to recognize the abuse and hard for victims to leave the relationship. I found myself constantly trying to figure out which version of him I would encounter—the supportive partner or the one who dismissed every idea I had. Signs of trauma bonding include feeling defensive toward the abuser, feeling unable to leave, feeling more concerned for their well-being over your own, and believing in their empty promises to change or accepting their switch-ups as an unspoken apology after an abusive episode.
The Hidden Forms of Control
In addition to the more obvious forms of abuse, there are devious tactics that often go unrecognized but are equally damaging to our mental health and sense of self.
DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender
DARVO is a manipulative tactic used to deflect blame and avoid accountability. When confronted about harmful behavior, the abuser follows this pattern:
1. Deny: They refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing, shifting focus away from their actions.
2. Attack: They discredit the accuser, often by questioning their memory, motives, or mental state.
3. Reverse Victim and Offender: They portray themselves as the real victim, flipping the narrative to gain sympathy and further deflect responsibility.
This process is designed to confuse, silence, and destabilize the victim, making them question their own reality—while the perpetrator avoids consequences. For example, when an abuser becomes overwhelmed in a stressful situation, they may lash out and blame their partner. Later, they act as if nothing happened or make light of the situation without ever acknowledging their hurtful reactions or offering an apology.
I, for one, know this all too well. I became an expert at smoothing things over, at taking the blame for things that weren’t my fault, and pretending certain incidents never happened. I often found myself apologizing for things that had nothing to do with me—for his stress, for circumstances that were beyond my control, for being anything less than perfect. And somehow, I always ended up being the problem.
Sleep Deprivation as Abuse
One particularly overlooked form of mental abuse is deliberately denying someone adequate sleep. Some experts recognize sleep deprivation as a severe form of abuse with long-term health consequences. When a partner dismisses your need for sleep, intentionally disrupts your rest, or creates an environment where you cannot sleep peacefully, they are exerting control while weakening you mentally and physically.
“You work from home,” he’d say, as if that meant I didn’t need sleep. For years, my need for rest wasn’t legitimate because my work wasn’t “real” work in his eyes. The mental fog, the constant exhaustion—I didn’t realize I was being deliberately worn down.
Mocking Disguised as Humor
Emotional abuse often hides behind the guise of jokes. When someone takes information you’ve shared in confidence and repeatedly uses it to mock you—claiming “it’s just a joke” when you express hurt—they are engaging in verbal aggression. This tactic serves to humiliate you while allowing the abuser to avoid accountability for their cruelty. Genuine humor doesn’t require putting someone else down, especially not repeatedly targeting the same vulnerabilities.
Things I shared in confidence—moments from my childhood—became ammunition. He’d bring them up again and again, using what I said against me—twisting my words into weapons. It was as if he enjoyed watching me become frustrated and upset. My being vulnerable became his source of entertainment. I literally had to learn to hold back on sharing the tender aspects of myself.
Mixed Messages and Emotional Neglect
Alternating between kind and cruel behavior keeps victims in a state of psychological confusion and insecurity. One day, your partner is supportive and loving; the next, they’re cold, dismissive, or actively sabotaging your goals. This inconsistency is very intentional—it keeps you off-balance, always trying to figure out which version of them you’ll encounter next.
Emotional neglect—a lack of basic emotional support, such as ignoring a partner’s feelings, dismissing their needs, or showing no interest in their emotional well-being—can be just as damaging as overt abuse. When your accomplishments are minimized, your struggles are dismissed, and your emotional needs are treated as an inconvenience, you are being systematically devalued.
The Toll on Our Health and Well-Being
The cumulative effects of ongoing emotional and mental abuse can be highly detrimental to our physical and psychological health. Studies have found that emotional abuse may be the most damaging form of maltreatment, causing adverse developmental consequences equivalent to—or more severe than—those of other forms of abuse.
This chronic form of stress can take a serious toll, leading to issues such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, digestive problems, headaches, and fatigue. Sleep deprivation compounds these effects, creating a cascade of health problems. The chronic stress from emotional abuse doesn’t just affect our minds—it attacks our bodies in ways that can persist long after the relationship ends. (For more on how chronic stress impacts our physical health, see my previous article: “Healing Generational Trauma: From Understanding to Transformation - Part 2.”)
It is also easy to get caught up in internalizing deep feelings of shame, self-blame, and powerlessness. Research shows that victims often experience low self-esteem, confusion, difficulty trusting their own judgment, and may struggle to function in work, school, or social situations. As Dr. Rheeda Walker explains in her groundbreaking work The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health, chronic stress and emotional abuse create psychological wounds that require intentional healing and culturally informed support.
Before I Knew the Terms: Recognizing My Own Story
For years, I didn’t call it abuse. I called it stress and made excuses, I tried to adjust to the chaos, and convinced myself that if I could hang in there, things would eventually improve.
But the patterns were undeniable once I allowed myself to see them. The constant dismissal. The shifting blame. The impossible standards. The nagging feeling that I was never quite good enough, doing enough, or being enough—no matter how hard I tried.
The breaking point came when my body refused to keep the secret my mind was still trying to suppress. The headaches. The exhaustion. The chronic stress. I found myself unable to function. My body was crying out what I couldn’t bring my voice to say: This isn’t okay. This isn’t love. This is torture.
Only when I finally stepped back, depleted and ready to see the truth, could I name what I had been enduring. Gaslighting. DARVO. Emotional manipulation. Trauma bonding. I had lived this reality for years without the language to articulate it. Now, I had the words to describe the confusion, explanations for the exhaustion, and validation for the feelings I had carried all along.
This wasn’t merely a challenging situation in my marriage; this was abuse. Acknowledging that hard truth was the first step on my journey to reclaiming my life.
Reclaiming Your Power: The Path to Healing
There are numerous ways for those dealing with emotional and mental abuse to reclaim their power. An essential first step is to accept that you are not to blame for what happened. The abuse is never your fault, no matter what the abuser may have told you.
Seeking help from a therapist who specializes in trauma—especially those experienced with complex PTSD and the aftermath of abuse—can be very beneficial. These professionals can assist you in processing your experiences, identifying unhealthy relationship patterns, rebuilding your self-esteem, establishing healthy boundaries, and breaking trauma bonds. Evidence-based therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Trauma-Focused CBT have proven effective in alleviating symptoms related to PTSD, depression, behavioral issues, shame, and the negative beliefs surrounding the abuse.
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a clinical psychologist and founder of Therapy for Black Girls, highlights the importance of finding mental health support that understands cultural backgrounds. She points out that healing from emotional trauma involves not only addressing the abusive experiences but also recognizing how our cultural context, personal identity, and support networks interconnect with our recovery journey.
It’s also reassuring to know that you’re not alone. Support organizations provide a variety of services, including emergency shelters, counseling, legal assistance, and peer support groups. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or via online chat. Please check your local community for additional available support.
Building a New Foundation
As we begin our healing journeys, developing emotional intelligence is crucial for understanding our feelings. This skill not only helps us foster empathy for ourselves and others but also enables us to communicate more effectively and set healthy boundaries. It’s just as important to create some emotional distance from any abusive situations whenever possible.
Practicing self-care gives us tools to calm our nervous systems and regain our sense of identity. Here are some very effective strategies:
- Journaling, which is my personal favorite. Writing things down to track patterns, validate your experiences, and process through difficult emotions.
- Incorporate meditation and mindfulness practices to help calm your nervous system while deepening your connection to the body.
- Music and creative expression to foster healing within that goes far beyond words.
- Spending time in nature to ground yourself and discover a sense of inner peace.
- Engaging in Physical activities by doing things that feel good for your body.
- Connecting with trusted friends who understand your story and are there to support you on your healing journey.
In her book Sacred Woman, Queen Afua reminds us that true healing involves honoring our bodies, minds, and spirits as sacred vessels worthy of care and respect. This holistic approach to self-care recognizes that abuse impacts every aspect of our being, and our healing must be equally comprehensive.
Most importantly, have compassion for yourself. Healing from abuse takes time, inner strength, and support. There’s no “right” timeline for recovery. As author and therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, establishing healthy boundaries is not selfish—it’s an essential act of self-preservation and self-respect.
By taking small daily steps, we can release old trauma, rewrite our stories, rebuild trust in ourselves, and create a life filled with joy, authentic connections, and genuine love—love that uplifts rather than tears us down.
You deserve more. You deserve real love and peace. Healing is possible, and it’s within your reach.
References
Afua, Q. (2000). Sacred woman: A guide to healing the feminine body, mind, and spirit. One World/Ballantine Books.
Cohen, J. A., & Mannarino, A. P. (2008). Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy for children and parents. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 13(4), 158-162.
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-120.
Harsey, S. J., Zurbriggen, E. L., & Freyd, J. J. (2017). Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26(6), 644-663. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777
Hart, S. N., Brassard, M. R., & Karlson, H. C. (1996). Psychological maltreatment. In J. Briere, L. Berliner, J. A. Bulkley, C. Jenny, & T. Reid (Eds.), The APSA handbook on child maltreatment (pp. 72-89). Sage Publications.
Kippert, A. (2018). Sleep deprivation used as abuse tactic. DomesticShelters.org. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sleep-deprivation-as-abuse
Klein, L. R., Ritchie, L., & Denson, T. F. (2023). A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 30(3), 656-683. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12510
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is emotional abuse? https://www.thehotline.org
National Library of Medicine. (2020). Is emotional abuse as harmful as physical and/or sexual abuse? Healthcare, 8(4), 483. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7683637/
Stern, R. (2007). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
Walker, R. (2020). The unapologetic guide to Black mental health: Navigate an unequal system, learn tools for emotional wellness, and get the help you deserve. New Harbinger Publications.
Additional Resources
For Immediate Help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Finding Culturally Competent Support:
Therapy for Black Girls: https://therapyforblackgirls.com
Psychology Today Therapist Finder: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator: https://locator.apa.org
Black Mental Wellness: https://www.blackmentalwellness.com
Writing this article had me revisit some very painful memories that I’m still working through for my upcoming memoir. However, if sharing my story can help even one person recognize the signs of emotional abuse in their own life, then it’s all worth it. I’m writing this from a place of resilience—not completely healed, but free. This journey isn’t easy, and some days feel tougher than others. Yet, the peace I’m cultivating now makes the challenges worthwhile. If what we discussed resonated with you, please be gentle with yourself. Becoming aware is the first step toward healing. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey.— Natasha Marie✨
