Bridging the Gap: How Generational Divides Perpetuate Trauma - Part 3
““Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.””
In our previous articles, we explored the concept of trauma passing through family lines and explored various paths to healing. Now, we turn our attention to the relational dynamics that perpetuate these cycles and how recognizing generational divides can open the door to transformation.
The Foundation: Big Mama’s Legacy
In many of our families, Grandma, affectionately known as “Big Mama,” a member of the Silent Generation, played a vital role in keeping everyone connected, no matter the challenges they faced. Together with Granddad, they navigated life’s obstacles, often moving to create brighter futures for their loved ones. Their children, the Baby Boomers, learned the importance of responsibility and resilience as they stepped up to support one another, working hand in hand with their parents to ensure everyone thrived.
Fueled by a strong work ethic, this generation made significant strides in what we now know as corporate America. As a 70s baby and a member of Generation X, I bore the fruits of their labor while cherishing the independence that came with being a “latchkey kid.” We learned essential life skills, like cooking, cleaning, and caring for our siblings, while Mom and/or Dad were busy at work.
Like our parents, we found ourselves in a rapidly changing world, but this time it was filled with glamour and excitement. We recognized that there were alternative paths beyond the traditional grind of clocking in long hours for decades—something that left our parents weary and looking forward to retirement. We craved more from life. Influenced by entertainment and television, our dreams didn’t feel out of reach. Suddenly, countless opportunities awaited us—whether it was pursuing higher education, chasing dreams of stardom, or venturing into entrepreneurship. The sky was the limit, and we wholeheartedly embraced every chance to flourish and craft the lives we truly wanted.
The Generational Pattern: Each Wants Better
As we journey through the generations to today’s youth—the streamers and content creators—each group has taken what was handed down to them, striving to enhance and redefine their experiences in an ever-changing environment.
One common thread unites us all: when we were young, we always sought something better for ourselves. However, many people from older generations cling to traditional patterns, which can hinder their ability to understand and appreciate the fresh perspectives that younger generations bring to the table.
When Worlds Collide: The Personal Experience
I grew up in an era when children were discouraged from speaking their minds to adults and elders. Those who dared to express themselves were often labeled “the problem child” and dealt with accordingly. The old proverb “children should be seen and not heard” was more than just a phrase—it was a rule in countless households, instilling the belief that children should listen and follow directions rather than voice their opinions.
While my generation navigated life in our own way, today’s youth are exposed to far more than we ever were. With the rise of the internet and social media, young people are empowered to share their voices and embrace their identities freely. For us, self-expression often meant calling a friend, spending nights at a cousin’s house, or sneaking outside—always on alert to rush back in to finish chores before getting caught.
This significant shift in childhood experiences creates a divide between generations that runs deeper than mere misunderstandings. Many older individuals may view the younger generation with skepticism, sometimes labeling them as lazy. But isn’t it time we took a closer look at the reasons behind this perception?
We raise our children to strive for better, yet when they choose paths that diverge from our expectations, they often face criticism. Parents may find it difficult to understand their children’s choices, which can lead to conflicts. While it’s natural for parents to worry if a child’s actions seem unethical or harmful, that isn’t always the issue. This disconnect can perpetuate trauma, impacting both visible and hidden aspects of family dynamics.
The Psychology Behind Generational Control
Understanding Why Parents May Want to Control Their Children’s Lives
It’s interesting to explore what drives some parents to adopt a hands-on approach in their children’s lives, even as those children reach adulthood. What stirs the older generation’s feelings of frustration or, in some instances, jealousy toward their children’s quest for independence?
The answer often lies in unresolved trauma and fear. For many parents, the notion of their children gaining independence can inadvertently trigger deep-seated fears of abandonment, failure, or chaos. When children choose paths that differ from parental expectations, it can feel like a challenge to their core values.
Research from the CDC and child development experts indicates that healthy parent-child relationships are bidirectional—parents influence children, and children influence parents. When parents create environments that encourage emotional expression and validate their children’s perspectives, it supports healthy development and strengthens family bonds.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary, in “The Conscious Parent,” explains that “when we parent from our own emotional neediness, we cannot see our children for who they are. Instead, we see them through the lens of our own unfulfilled desires.”
The Different Faces of This Pattern
Looking back on my childhood, I was driven by a strong, independent spirit, eager to forge my own path even when it didn’t align with my parents’ expectations. While I can genuinely appreciate their good intentions, there were moments when their silence spoke volumes, leaving me feeling misunderstood.
Years later, I realized that their silence wasn’t a sign of rejection or disappointment—it stemmed from their own emotional struggles. When parents face choices they can’t comprehend or help their children navigate, silence can emerge as a protective mechanism for their own feelings. We will explore the concept of emotional survival and its influence on parenting responses in future discussions.
In contrast, I noticed a different dynamic with my children’s father. He often struggled with a need to control how our children navigated certain situations and was easily triggered when they voiced their own thoughts and opinions, even as young adults.
As I reflect on my own experiences as a parent, I can see echoes of this pattern in my behavior. For instance, I was overly protective and wouldn’t allow my firstborn to attend sleepovers. Over time, I came to realize that my instincts were rooted in unhealed trauma. Acknowledging this, I had a heartfelt conversation with her, expressing my fears and apologizing for not fully understanding her feelings at the time. In future discussions, we will explore how our trauma can lead to hypervigilant parenting patterns.
These reflections prompt me to contemplate the future through some essential questions: How can we break this cycle? What steps can we take to create a more compassionate and supportive environment for future generations?
Embracing the Voice of Our Children
I challenge wholeheartedly the notion that “children should be seen and not heard.” Our children aren’t simply here to listen; they possess remarkable insights that can teach us invaluable lessons. I genuinely believe that we are all on this journey together, where learning and growth are mutual, and every voice matters.
Understanding Respect in a New Light
One of the biggest disconnects between generations lies in our understanding of respect. Many in older generations often see it as obedience—believing that children show respect by following rules, staying quiet when adults speak, and not questioning authority.
However, true respect runs much deeper. It’s about mutual understanding, recognizing everyone’s unique value, and appreciating diverse viewpoints. When we silence our children’s voices in the name of “respect,” we risk conveying that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. As a result, these children may grow up feeling the need to please others or may completely disregard authority.
On the other hand, younger generations view respect as a two-way street. They flourish when they feel acknowledged, valued, and involved in genuine conversations, rather than enduring one-sided lectures. This perspective doesn’t indicate a lack of respect; instead, it reflects an awareness of the potential for nurturing strong, vibrant relationships across generations.
Challenging the Norms
Why are those who think outside the box often labeled as weird, rebellious, or outcasts? This isn’t merely about academic intelligence—after all, everyone loves to brag about their children’s intelligence. It’s about those who bravely explore unconventional ideas and question the status quo.
From my own experiences, I’ve learned the incredible value of creative thinking. This mindset has allowed me to connect on a deeper level with young minds, especially my own children.
Embracing the Roles Reversed: Children as Our Teachers
Teaching Flows Both Ways
When I consciously chose to encourage my children to voice their feelings and concerns, even when the topics felt challenging for me, it sparked a remarkable transformation within me. I wanted my children to feel safe sharing their emotions, rather than bottling them up like I did in my own childhood. This decision opened new lines of communication, reassuring them they could always come to me, no matter what was on their minds.
In return, I’ve become more open-minded and eager to learn from their fresh perspectives. Sharing stories from my own childhood and offering thoughtful advice has significantly strengthened our bond. Engaging in playful activities during their younger years also kept my own inner child vibrant and full of life.
Research on family communication indicates that fostering open dialogue—where family members can freely express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions—leads to stronger family bonds and more favorable outcomes. Studies from organizations like the CDC and child development experts demonstrate that healthy communication patterns foster family environments that support emotional expression and genuine connections across generations.
Spending time with children teaches us priceless lessons about flexibility and patience. By participating in their favorite activities, we rediscover a sense of joy and wonder. As Dr. Stuart Brown beautifully states in “Play,” nurturing our capacity for play truly enhances our creativity, resilience, and emotional well-being.
The Wisdom Exchange
It’s remarkable how different generations shape our world in unique ways. Our elders grew up rooted in customs, routines, and traditions: school, work, careers, retirement—a linear path with clear expectations. Their experiences have made them less open to change, as stability often meant survival during their formative years.
On the other hand, today’s youth have been raised in a tech-centric environment where staying relevant demands constant innovation and adaptability. Time moves differently now; dreams have evolved, and the definition of success has undergone a transformation.
Both perspectives hold incredible value. Our elders bring wisdom gained from years of experience; they’ve navigated challenges and learned what truly works. Meanwhile, the younger generation offers fresh insights that are crucial for driving progress. By embracing the opportunity to learn from one another rather than judging, we can pave the way for a more connected and prosperous future.
Building Bridges: Practical Steps for Healing
For Parents and Elders:
Practice listening with genuine curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions when children share their differing viewpoints. It’s essential to recognize that their unique dreams and aspirations reflect their personal growth, not a rejection of your values. Instead of dismissing unfamiliar ideas, ask questions that help you understand their perspective. Sharing your own childhood experiences—along with your struggles and mistakes—can build a connection through vulnerability.
One of the biggest obstacles to bridging generational divides is when parents feel they can’t share their own stories and mishaps due to shame, guilt, or the need to appear perfect in their children’s eyes. This wall, built from our own unhealed wounds, often creates more distance than it does connection. When we can’t acknowledge our humanity and the journey we’ve traveled, we unintentionally reinforce the very cycles we want to shield our children from. We will explore this topic further in future discussions about the masks we create to hide our authentic selves.
For Adult Children:
Be compassionate towards your parents’ limitations while maintaining healthy boundaries. Recognizing that controlling behavior often stems from their own fears and traumas is crucial. Model the communication style you wish you’d experienced. Help bridge understanding by explaining your choices patiently.
For Families:
Establish regular opportunities for storytelling and active listening across generations. Create “judgment-free zones” where different perspectives can be shared safely. Celebrate the unique contributions each generation brings to the family. Remember, every generation strives for a “better” future, even if their definitions of it differ.
The Transformative Power of Understanding
When we come together to bridge the generational gaps with empathy and compassion, we can mend our current relationships and lay a brighter path for future generations. While we can’t erase past grievances, taking accountability and encouraging positive change can truly transform our family legacies.
Every generation has done its best with the tools they were given, adapting to the unique challenges it faced. Now, we have an incredible opportunity to enhance those resources, choosing consciousness over reactivity—to cultivate families where everyone feels valued and appreciated.
Building bonds of trust and respect across generations takes patience, courage, and the willingness to recognize one another as whole individuals, beyond just our roles. It’s about understanding that the child who challenges norms or travels a different path may hold the key to our families’—and the world’s—evolution.
On this collective journey, we can heal not just as individuals but as a lineage—breaking the cycles that have kept families apart and nurturing new legacies that embrace understanding, growth, and mutual respect.
In our next article, we will explore how these early attachment disruptions and silencing patterns of silence shape the internal narratives we carry into adulthood—the mentality we inherit from our childhood struggles and how it influences every relationship we form.
References
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Tsabary, S. (2010). The conscious parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children. Namaste Publishing.Supports: Psychology behind generational control and conscious parenting
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Writing this series has been as much a journey of healing for me as I hope it will be for you. As I recognize my own patterns—feeling misunderstood and being overly protective—I’m reminded that this work is a continual process for all of us. If you find yourself reflected in these stories, remember that awareness is the crucial first step toward breaking free from those cycles.— Natasha Marie✨
