Bridging the Gap: How Generational Divides Perpetuate Trauma - Part 3
““Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.””
In our previous articles, we explored how trauma travels through family lines and the pathways to healing. Now we examine the relational dynamics that keep these cycles alive—and how understanding generational divides can become a doorway to transformation.
The Foundation: Big Mama’s Legacy
In many of our families, Grandma, affectionately known as “Big Mama,” from the Silent Generation, played a crucial role in bringing everyone together, regardless of the challenges they faced. Together with Granddad, they navigated life’s obstacles, often relocating to create brighter futures for their loved ones. Meanwhile, their children, the Baby Boom generation, learned the value of responsibility and resilience by stepping up to support each other, working alongside their parents to ensure everyone thrived.
Fueled by this strong work ethic, this generation flourished in what we now refer to as corporate America. As a 70s baby and member of Generation X, I experienced the fruits of their labor while cherishing the independence that came along with being a “latchkey kid”—learning the important life skills of cooking, cleaning, and looking after our siblings while mom and/or dad were working.
Just like our parents, we encountered a rapidly changing world around us, but this time it radiated with glamour and excitement. We saw there were alternate paths beyond the traditional grind of working long hours at a job for decades, which left our parents weary and eager for retirement. We yearned for more out of life. With the influence of entertainment and television, our dreams didn’t seem far-fetched. Suddenly, countless opportunities awaited us—whether it was pursuing higher education, chasing dreams of stardom, or striving to become entrepreneurs. The sky was the limit, and we embraced every chance to thrive and create the lives we truly desired.
The Generational Pattern: Each Wants Better
As we journey through the generations to today’s youth—the streamers and content creators—each group has taken what was passed down to them, striving to improve and redefine their experiences in their ever-changing environment.
One common thread unites us all: when we were young, we always sought something better for ourselves. However, many individuals from the older generations find themselves still holding onto traditional patterns, which can prevent them from understanding and appreciating the groundbreaking perspectives that the younger generation brings.
When Worlds Collide: The Personal Experience
I grew up in a time when children were not allowed to speak their minds to adults and elders. Those who dared to voice their thoughts were sometimes labeled as “the problem child” and dealt with accordingly. The old proverb “children should be seen and not heard” wasn’t just a saying—it was law in many households, shaped by a phrase that encouraged children to focus on listening and following directions.
While my generation learned to navigate in our world, today’s youth have been exposed to far more than we ever were. With the rise of the internet and social media, young people are empowered to share their voices and embrace their identities freely. But for my generation, expressing ourselves meant calling friends, staying over at cousins’ houses, or sneaking outside—always ready to run back in to finish our chores before we got caught.
This fundamental shift in how childhood is experienced creates a rift between generations that goes deeper than simple misunderstandings. Meanwhile, older generations may view the younger ones with skepticism, sometimes labeling them as lazy. But isn’t it time we explored the reasons behind this?
We raise our children to strive for improvement, yet when they choose paths that differ from our expectations as parents, they often face backlash. Parents may struggle to understand their children’s choices, which can lead to conflicts. While it is reasonable for parents to be concerned if a child’s actions are unethical or harmful, that is not always the case. This situation perpetuates trauma in both visible and hidden ways.
The Psychology Behind Generational Control
Understanding Why Parents May Want to Control Their Children’s Lives
It’s interesting to explore what drives some parents to take a hands-on approach in their children’s lives, even as they reach adulthood. What causes the older generation to feel upset or, in some cases, jealous of their children’s desire for independence?
The answer often lies in unresolved trauma and fear. For many parents, the idea of their children gaining independence can unintentionally trigger their own unresolved fears of abandonment, failure, or chaos. When children explore paths that differ from parental expectations, it can feel as though their core values are being challenged.
Research from the CDC and child development experts indicates that healthy parent-child relationships are bidirectional—parents influence children, and children influence parents. When parents create environments that encourage emotional expression and validate their children’s perspectives, it supports healthy development and strengthens family connections.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary, in “The Conscious Parent,” explains that “when we parent from our own emotional neediness, we cannot see our children for who they are. Instead, we see them through the lens of our own unfulfilled desires.”
The Different Faces of This Pattern
Looking back on my childhood, I was driven by a strong independent spirit, eager to forge my own path even when it didn’t align with my parents’ expectations. Though I can truly appreciate that they wanted the best for me, I did sense moments of disappointment in their silence, which ultimately left me feeling quite misunderstood.
Years later, I came to understand that their silence wasn’t about rejection or even disappointment—it was about their own emotional well-being. As parents, when we encounter choices that we cannot understand or help our children navigate, silence can become a way to protect our feelings. We will explore the concept of emotional survival and how it influences parenting responses in future discussions.
In contrast, I observed a different dynamic with the father of my children. He often struggled with a desire to control how our children navigated certain situations and was easily triggered when they expressed their own thoughts and opinions, even as adults.
As I reflect on my own parenting experience, I see echoes of this pattern. For instance, I was overly protective and didn’t allow my firstborn to attend sleepovers. Over time, I came to realize that my instincts were rooted in an unhealed trauma. Acknowledging this, I had a heartfelt conversation with her about my fears and apologized for not fully understanding her feelings at the time. In future discussions, we will explore how our trauma can lead to hypervigilant parenting patterns.
These reflections lead me to consider the future through essential questions: How do we break this cycle? What steps can we take to cultivate a more compassionate and supportive environment for future generations?
Embracing the Voice of Our Children
I wholeheartedly challenge the idea that “children should be seen and not heard.” Our children are not just here to listen; they have incredible insights to share that can teach us valuable lessons. I truly believe we are all meant to embark on this journey together, learning and growing, where every voice matters.
Understanding Respect in a New Light
One of the biggest disconnects between generations lies in our understanding of respect. Many in older generations often see it as obedience—believing that children show respect by following rules, staying quiet when adults talk, and not challenging authority.
However, genuine respect goes so much deeper. It involves mutual understanding, recognizing everyone’s unique worth, and appreciating different perspectives. When we silence our children’s voices in the name of “respect,” we risk sending the message that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. As a result, these children might grow to feel they must please everyone or, conversely, completely disregard authority.
In contrast, younger generations understand that respect is a two-way street. They thrive when they feel heard, valued, and engaged in genuine conversations, instead of one-sided lectures. This perspective doesn’t imply a lack of respect; rather, it reflects a keen awareness of the potential for nurturing strong, vibrant relationships across generations.
Challenging the Norms
Why are individuals who think outside the box often labeled as weird, rebellious, or outcasts? This is not just about academic intelligence—after all, everyone loves to brag about their children’s intelligence. It’s about those who bravely explore ideas beyond conventional thinking and challenge the status quo.
From my personal journey, I’ve learned the incredible value of thinking creatively. This mindset has allowed me to connect genuinely with young minds, starting with my own children.
Embracing the Roles Reversed: Children as Our Teachers
Teaching Flows Both Ways
When I made the conscious choice to encourage my children to express their feelings and concerns, even when the topic was challenging for me to hear, it sparked a remarkable change in me. I wanted my children to feel safe sharing their emotions instead of bottling them up like I did as a child. This decision opened a wonderful line of communication, assuring them they can always come to me, no matter what.
In return, I’ve become more open-minded and excited to learn from their fresh perspectives. Sharing stories from my own childhood and offering thoughtful advice has strengthened our bond tremendously. Engaging in playful activities during their younger years also kept my own inner child vibrant, nurtured, and full of life.
Research on family communication shows that encouraging open dialogue, where members can freely share thoughts, feelings, and opinions, creates stronger family bonds and better outcomes. Studies from organizations like the CDC and child development experts demonstrate that healthy communication patterns foster family environments that support emotional expression and authentic connections across generations.
Spending time with children teaches us priceless lessons about flexibility and patience. By joining in their favorite activities, we rediscover a joyful sense of wonder. As Dr. Stuart Brown beautifully states in “Play,” nurturing our capacity for play truly enhances our creativity, resilience, and emotional well-being.
The Wisdom Exchange
It is fascinating how different generations tend to shape our world. Our elders grew up on customs, patterns, and traditions: school, work, career, retirement—a linear path with clear expectations. They’re less susceptible to change because stability meant survival in their formative years.
On the other hand, today’s youth have grown up in a tech-driven world, where keeping up requires constant innovation and adaptability. Time moves differently now. Dreams look different. Success has new definitions.
Both perspectives hold incredible value. Our elders possess the wisdom that comes from experience; they have weathered storms and discovered what works. Meanwhile, the younger generation contributes innovative insights that are vital for progress. If we can embrace learning from each other instead of passing judgment, we can create a more prosperous, more connected future.
Building Bridges: Practical Steps for Healing
For Parents and Elders:
Practice listening with curiosity instead of making immediate judgments when children share different viewpoints.
Understand that children’s diverse dreams don’t reflect rejection of your values but their own authentic development.
Ask questions to understand their perspective rather than dismissing things that seem unfamiliar.
Share your own childhood stories, including your struggles and mistakes, to foster connections through vulnerability.
One of the most significant barriers to bridging generational divides is when parents have the inability to be transparent about their own stories and mistakes due to shame, guilt, or the need to appear perfect in their children’s eyes. This protective wall, built from our own unhealed wounds, actually creates more distance than connection. When we are unable to acknowledge our own humanity and growth journey, we inadvertently perpetuate the very cycles we aim to protect our children from. We will explore this topic further in future discussions about the masks we create to hide our authentic selves.
For Adult Children:
Extend compassion to your parents’ limitations, while also ensuring that you maintain healthy boundaries.
Understanding that controlling behavior typically arises from a parent’s own fears and traumas is essential.
Model the communication style that you wish you had received.
Help bridge understanding by patiently explaining your choices.
For Families:
Establish regular opportunities for storytelling and listening between different generations.
Create “judgment-free zones” where diverse perspectives can be shared in a safe environment.
Celebrate the unique gifts that each generation brings to the family system.
Remember that every generation sought a “better” future; they each define it in their own way.
The Transformative Power of Understanding
When we come together to bridge the generational gaps with empathy and compassion, we not only mend our current relationships but also pave a brighter path for future generations. While we can’t erase past grievances, embracing accountability and fostering positive change can truly redefine our family legacies.
Each generation has been doing the best they could with the tools they had, adapting to unique challenges along the way. Now, we have the incredible opportunity to enhance those resources, to choose consciousness over reactivity—to cultivate families where everyone feels cherished and appreciated.
Creating bonds of trust and respect across generations takes patience, courage, and the willingness to see one another as complete individuals, beyond simply the roles we inhabit. It’s about understanding that the child who thinks outside the box, who questions norms or takes the road less traveled, might hold the key to our families’—and the world’s—evolution.
In this collective journey, we can heal not just as individuals but also as a lineage—breaking the cycles that have kept families apart and nurturing new legacies that embrace understanding, growth, and mutual respect.
In our next article, we’ll explore how these early attachment disruptions and silencing patterns shape the internal narratives we carry into adulthood—the mentality we inherit from our childhood struggles and how it influences every relationship we form.
References
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Lurie Children's Hospital of Chicago. (2024). Millennial parenting statistics and trends. https://www.luriechildrens.org/en/blog/millennial-parenting-statistics/
National Research Council. (2000). How people learn: Brain, mind, experience, and school. National Academy Press.
National Research Council. (2016). Parenting matters: Supporting parents of children ages 0-8. National Academies Press.
Tsabary, S. (2010). The conscious parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children. Namaste Publishing.Supports: Psychology behind generational control and conscious parenting
UNICEF. (2024). How to communicate effectively with your young child. https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/9-tips-for-better-communication
Writing this series has been as much a healing journey for me as I hope it is for you. Recognizing my own patterns—feeling misunderstood and being overprotective—reminds me that this work is an ongoing process for all of us. If you see yourself in these stories, know that awareness is the first step toward breaking free from those cycles.— Natasha Marie✨
